Heres My story
Hello, I am 27 year old single mom. I have had my share of parting times and I have tried a lot of different drugs. I have been smoking pot since I was a teenager and tried almost everything put in front of me. I could start off telling my story of how I was before this addicition; however we all know how we were before the addiction. We were all doing better before the addiction. Every addict has things that were lost and things that fell apart. We all end in the same place; depending on a drug. We all wanted help but didnt really know where or why or how to get the help. We all get involved with addiction without knowing it. I was prescribed these pain medication and never realized I had become physically addicted to it till I couldnt fill my perscriptioni one day & suffered from withdraws. I was so oblivious to my own addiction I went to the hospital when I felt the withdraw pain. I heard of crack heads suffering withdraws but I was prescribed this medicine. I was prescribed 7 pills a day but I only took around 3 so I figured I was in control. I didnt have a problem. I dont need to tell you what happens next because I am sure you all know. I will sum it up.
So in a nut shell heres what happened after the hospital informed me I was suffering from opiate withdraws. I became dedicated to stop this medicine & I was gonna do it all by myself. The hospital reccommended an inpatient treatment center but I have kids so I cant do that. I figured it couldnt be that bad. On day 3 I wasnt able to work. I missed the whole day and was still sick by the end of the day. I had to go to work another day becasue how else was I gonna pay the bills? So, I filled my perscription and started taking the pills atleast every other day. I didnt take many and wasnt abusing them so I figured I was still in control because I didnt have a mental addiction. Oh no I thought I was too strong to be mentally addicted to this stuff. Welll to sum it up life got in the way of my path that I thought was right. I had tragedy surround me a whole bunch all at once. My cousin died, an uncle died, my boyfriend lost his job, and I lost both my pets. All these things happened within one month. You may wonder what I did to handle all this. Well I didnt handle it. I felt really depressed and instead of seeking help I used the medication as a crutch. I realized when I had the pills I was in a happier state. I didnt cry as often and I could manage myself much better. So, instead of dealing with life I just kept taking pills. I then heard these pills were being used as a way to get high. Since I am a pot smoker & I do party with drugs I figured it would be ok if i was just using them to get high occasionally like I used drugs like cocaine. I didnt do cocaine regularlly & I never had withdraws when I stopped using cocaine. I figured if I was using these pills to get high just on the weekends then I was not addicted. I started to snort the pills to make my high better and to make my pills last longer. As time went by my addiction got worse & I didnt see it. It started that I was snorting the pills as soon as I got home and then I started snorting them during the day and all day long. I realized I was addicted but it was much easier to stay high than deal with this addiction. Nobody understood how I felt. Nobody wanted to hear me say that I didnt want the addiction but I was physically not strong enough to fight it. Nobody wanted to know what was happening but just sat back and judged. Nobody meant anything by this but you cant understand an addiction until it takes over your life & you have lived through it all. I constantly tried to stop taking these pills without doctors help & I constantly failed .Over and over again I would get off the pills and end up back on them. I never made it very long without them because i hurt everywhere. There is no way to describe the pain of withdraws but Ill do my best. I was covered in sweat with a fever that couldnt break and shivering because I was freezing cold all at the same time. I vommitted and had the shits and couldnt hold down a thing. I tried over and over. If you touched me during the withdraw period I would have sworn you took a sharp knife & stabbed me in that spot you touched & the side ripples remained going through my whole body minutes after you took your hand off me. I felt like hell, I looked like hell, and I prayed for hell. This was not something that I was going to concur. I gave up at one point. I was ready to kill myself and just end this life because I was tired of trying to stop taking this medicine thats killing me but I constantly failed at it. I was a very confident women before this addiction. During the addiction I lost all my power and my self worth. I started to miss work because of the withdraws and I ran out of money for the pills to make me able to go to work. I started to pawn everything. I pawned everything I possibly could till I had nothing left. I hated myself and I hated my life. Every junkie wants to die. Every junkie accepts the addiction and gives it complete control with no fight. I didnt want to be like every junkie. I got to the point where snorting the pills was like heaven compared to what I was doing. I started to shoot the pills directly in my veins. I became a pro at the entire shooting up process. I use to get excited when I pulled back blood because I knew as soon as I pushed that syringe I was gonna be out of all misery. I wouldnt feel anything no pain, no sadness, no lonliness, and most of all no hate. I started shooting every night, then every day, then all day, and then my life became nothing but how to stay high. I would do it any time any place any where. I had no limits I had no morals & I had no values. I lost everything when I gave up my power. I felt I had no hope and then my daughter asked me if I was dying? That question stabbed my heart so deep you would have thought she used a dager. I realized I was out of control & I was powerless. I went to my therapist and got a medicine prescribed that would help ease the withdraw pain but not take it away. I still shook uncontrollably every night I tried to sleep. I still had the shakes, the sweats and most of all I still felt the pain. I locked myself in a van in the middle of nowhere for an entire week to get over these withdraws. On day 7 when I could actually sit up without vomitting I realized that now that I can admit I was powerless it was time to start getting the power back. The withdraw symptons did not go away after 7 days or 14 days. It started to go away on week 3, 21 days! That was just the start because it took longer to be back where I am now. I started to sleep atleast 3 hours a night by 45 days and by 60 days I finally stopped shaking when I laid down. I still had the hot & cold flashes and I still ached; I simply decided to deal with it. The withdraw pains eased away but it took a long time to get up and going again. I had no immune system because of the pills so I got really sick with bronchotis & the flu. I felt weak every day it never went away. It took me almost 3 full months before I felt like I had strength back. I started to gain weight and hold food down and I finally started to sleep a full 4 hours straight. My life will never be the same as it was before addiction. I have limits now that I didnt even know I needed before this addiction. I have finally started to get back my routine of life and I have been off those pills for almost 5 months now. This was the hardest thing Ive ever faced & it is a disease. It is not something that can be stopped on your own. You must get help! You must find help because you have a disease that is killing you. If I wouldnt have gottenn off the pills I would have only gotten worse & I would probably be dead now. Dont fool yourself or listen when you hear you can control it and its only 20% physical. Whoever had the percentages on addictions is wrong. The withdraw pains are 99% physical for atleast the first 2 weeks. After the worse of the withdraws the percentage of it being physical are less but it is ignored the beging is as bad as it is. This addiction is something that will change every part of you and your life. I still party but I cant have people around me that are doing pills in any way. I dont like to take anything for pain now not even tylenol. It scares me that things got out of control. I take full responsibility for how bad I got. I know that it was my fault but not because I should have just stopped but because I should have seeked help. The worst part about recovering is the feeling. Feeling sadness, emptiness, anger and fear. We forget how to feel as an addict but I am blessed to have these feelings today. When I spent 5 days crying I hated life and now I am thankful I was able to feel. Its hard to deal with life but its better to deal with it than to cover it up. Addiction is a disease but there is a cure. Get help and find your cure to your addiction. The help is out there, you just gotta look and you have to take the first step and admit things are not good!
